Codependency in Friendships: What it Is and What to Do About It

Healthy friendships are reciprocal, two-way relationships that are beneficial to both friends. They provide companionship and emotional support while respecting each other’s boundaries and limits. Neither friend dominates or controls the relationship or feels responsible for how the other friend feels. Sometimes, however, codependency in friendships can arise.

Codependent friendships are unequal connections between a giving friend whose self-worth is contingent on feeling valued and needed, and a needy friend who does all the taking. The giver friend feels responsible for his or her friend’s happiness and puts all his or her efforts into supporting his or her friend and trying to ensure his or her well-being while neglecting his or her own needs.

Common signs of codependency in friendships

Neediness. One friend always needs to be rescued from difficult situations and relies on the other friend to bail him or her out or make excuses for him or her. The rescuing friend, on the other hand, needs to be needed and feels responsible for his or her friend’s happiness.

One-sided support. The friendship lacks reciprocity. It is a one-sided relationship marked by a lack of give and take. One friend is always trying to solve the other friend’s problems, and is constantly on the giving end, whether emotionally, financially, or with his or her time, while the other friend does all the taking. This one-sided dynamic may, over time, lead the giving friend to feel drained, resentful, and/or unappreciated.

Difficulty with boundaries. Boundaries define our limits and are what help us separate our own needs and feelings from those of other people. Without them, friends become enmeshed and dependent on each other.

Codependency in friendships is marked by a relationship so close that all boundaries have melted away. The giving friend may avoid voicing his or her opinions or needs for fear of upsetting his or her friend and being abandoned or rejected.

Loss of identity. Both friends tend to become so entangled with one another that they lose their sense of identity, take on one another’s feelings, and experience shared emotions, opinions, and needs. The moods of one friend become dictated by the moods of the other.

Exclusivity and possessiveness. The two friends are overly reliant on each other to satisfy each other’s emotional needs. If one of them steps out of his or her role and/or spends time with someone else, the other friend may feel threatened, insecure, and/or jealous.

Tips for addressing the problem

Reflect on how it happened and why. If you recognize signs of codependency in your friendship, the first step is to reflect and assess what is going on. Look for patterns and try and understand what has led to this and why it is so. Identify what you are gaining from the relationship and what you are giving up.

Talk about your concerns. For the friendship to change and become balanced, both of you need to be on board and willing to adjust to a new and healthier dynamic. Have an open, honest, heart-to-heart conversation about your needs, feelings, and concerns about the relationship. Carefully listen to each other and try to understand one another’s perspectives.

Establish boundaries. Establish healthy boundaries, with both of you being clear about what you are able and willing to give. Learn to say no and set limits on what you can and cannot provide.

Be patient and kind with one another. Breaking the cycle of codependency in friendships and building a healthier, more fulfilling relationship takes time and effort. Be patient, kind, and compassionate with one another in the process.

Make time for yourself. Prioritize self-care and don’t feel guilty about spending time by yourself or doing things with other friends or family members. You don’t have to spend every moment together.

Take responsibility for your own needs. Recognize that you can each have independent lives separate from each other, as well as a warm, trusting friendship where you are sensitive to each other’s needs and can care for one another while also caring for yourself. A healthy friendship involves mutual empathy, understanding, and give and take. Encourage each other to pursue personal goals outside the friendship and support each other’s choices.

Take a break. Agree to take some time apart to give you space to break unhealthy patterns, make changes, start to heal, and have a reset.

Be willing to accept the fallout. You cannot change anyone except yourself. Be willing to accept that your friend may not be willing to change their ways or accept boundaries, and may opt to break off the friendship. If so, it may be time to detach from the relationship, end things amicably, and move on.

If you need more help than this article on codependency in friendships could provide and would like to set up an appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors in our directory, please don’t hesitate to give us a call.