Are you struggling with resentment in relationships? If so, this article is for you. Our closest relationships with others carry the seed of our deepest joys. The things that make us truly happy in life are usually those things we can share with other people, such as an experience of an amazing moment, or sharing a laugh. These enjoyable and common experiences bind us to others, and they form the bedrock of trust that enables us to share ourselves and be vulnerable with others.
However, our closest relationships also carry with them the potential for our deepest hurt. After all, the people who know you best know your failings, and in a moment of anger they can hit you hardest and where it hurts. If it’s not that, the people who are closest to us are the ones who, when they let us down, disappoint us the most because surely, they of all people ought to have been reliable.
The complicated nature of our relationships, which carries this fecund potential for great joy and pain, means that we need to have the tools to deal with hurt and disappointment in those relationships. Just as you might hurt others, other people will hurt and disappoint you; it may be on purpose, but it can just as easily be accidental. When people hurt you or let you down, one of the consequences is resentment in relationships.
“Resentment” refers to the feelings of injury, anger, and indignation that often result when a person feels like they’ve been treated unfairly or that an expectation has not been met.
The effects of resentment on relationships
Say that you are going through a tough time with your health. In that season, the people that are closest to you don’t visit you often or hang out with you as they used to. That leads you to conclude that they don’t care about you, and that thought can lead you to question whether your relationship with them is genuine and whether you can truly count on them. The next time you see them, it’s unlikely to be as warm a reception as usual.
When hurt and disappointment enter a relationship, resentment can follow quickly on their heels. Resentment can make you distrustful of others and their intentions toward you, which can severely undermine the sense of camaraderie and intimacy in that relationship.
Additionally, resentment can make a relationship feel unpleasant or uncomfortable to be in. You may find yourself avoiding the other person or feeling uncharacteristically nervous around them.
One could say that resentment chills relationships, making them less than pleasant experiences. It undermines trust in the relationship, putting a wall between people that makes it difficult to communicate honestly and openly with one another. If it’s allowed to run rampant and unchecked, resentment can destroy a relationship by entirely undermining a sense of connection between two people.
Uprooting resentment from your heart
Resentment can break down a relationship, and that can happen quickly, but it can also take years to have a significant effect. One can liken resentment to an invasive plant species that soaks up the nutrients meant for everything else, and that ends up taking over. Resentment can be nurtured by allowing certain thoughts about the other person to dwell in your mind, or by rehearsing how they have wronged or hurt you.
However, resentment can also grow when you don’t challenge those negative thoughts about the other person, or when you allow them to dictate how you relate to them. Dealing with resentment means taking active steps to ensure that any ill feelings that you have toward someone are dealt with effectively. Some ways to curb resentment, and to uproot it if you feel it setting in include:
Measure your expectations of others
Sometimes, disappointment results from having high, or uncommunicated expectations of others. Measure these so that you don’t expect more from people than you ought and communicate those expectations because people cannot read their minds.
Communicate your displeasure
When you are disappointed, treated unfairly, or taken advantage of, don’t bury it. Resentment grows in the dark. Rather, air the issue openly and resolve it quickly so that it doesn’t have a chance to fester.
Learn to let things slide
Sometimes, learning to let things go and not taking offense easily can help you avoid being hurt by people’s words or actions. People can offend unintentionally, and sometimes that means you learning to let things go and trusting God to take care of things for you (Romans 12:17-21).
Exercise empathy toward others
People have reasons for the things they do, and stepping into their shoes can help you understand them better. It doesn’t make the nasty things people do magically become pleasant but understanding it can help you deal with them with empathy and compassion.
Forgive easily
When there is deep offense, forgiveness allows you to release any ill feelings you have toward someone. It helps you avoid getting caught in the current of anger and being potentially led into sin (Ephesians 4:26-27; James 1:19-21).
Seek help
Resentment can undermine your emotional, physical, and mental health. Speak to someone like a Christian counselor to unpack the feelings engendered by a particular relationship, and to learn how best to cope in difficult relationships.
“Not. Happy. Bob.”, Courtesy of RDNE Stock project, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Argument”, Courtesy of Alex Green, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Snuggle”, Courtesy of Justin Follis, Unsplash.com, CC0 License
