You’ve probably encountered the various discussions and arguments going on in our culture about men and friendships in the last few years. Phrases such as “toxic masculinity” have been brought up, naming certain attributes such as risk-taking, competitiveness, and achievement as harmful. There have also been discussions about “manliness” that emphasize aggression more than the virtues of wisdom, compassion, or courage.

All of this has left many men unsure of how to understand or express their masculinity, at times resulting in men leaning into aspects of masculinity that are stereotypical and somewhat problematic.

In all this, one of the underlying issues facing men is chronic loneliness and their struggle to form good friendships with other men.

The crisis of loneliness among men

In his 2022 article entitled A Short Story of Men, author David French wrote that “Male friendships that once formed as the natural result of the proliferation of exclusively male spaces now often require deliberate cultivation.” Simply put, the result is that men don’t have easy access to spaces where they can make friends.

In America, both men and women in the last few decades have been experiencing a friendship crisis. However, men have been hit hardest, as around 10% of women have no close friends, but around 15% of men are in that situation.

French goes on to say, that around half of all men report having three close friends or fewer, and between 1990 and 2021, the percentage of men that reported they had no close friends quintupled, from three percent to 15 percent. The percentage who reported ten or more close friends shrank from 40 percent to 15 percent.

In recent decades it is clear that Americans have fewer and fewer friends, with men struggling more than women in maintaining meaningful relationships. Late-night comedy show host Trevor Noah had this to say regarding men and intimacy:

We’ve created a society where men are so afraid to be vulnerable with each other, to be sensitive with each other, to care for each other, to love each other. You know, even saying that as a guy, you always have to change that… you can’t just say “I love you”, but have to change it to “I love you dog” you know what I mean?

You can’t just say it, and it’s interesting because that is why I do feel women have done a much better job of being there intimately for each other; not sexually, but intimately. And I think we take for granted how much in society men who say sex is the thing they’re not getting are actually struggling with a lack of companionship, of intimacy. – Trevor Noah

If men are struggling with having intimate friendships in which they can feel supported and cared for, this directly connects to any sense of loneliness. As men try to find their way in a world that has changed rapidly, they are, in David French’s words, “experiencing both a crisis of purpose and a crisis of relationships.” And it is not helping that male identity has become the site of ideological battles within our culture.

While those battles continue, single and divorced men bear the brunt of the opioid epidemic, and single men disproportionately suffer from deaths of despair.

Why friendships matter

Finding a connection with another human being helps us to be more human. After all, we are social beings. That is how God created us, and this is just one of several ways in which we reflect the nature of our Creator. (Genesis 1: 26-27)

Good friendships matter for a variety of reasons, including the following:

Through friendship, a virtuous character can be cultivated. As two friends are drawn together by seeing and sharing the same truth, they can continue to spur one another on toward love and good deeds. (Hebrews 10: 24-25)

A good friend will warn you when you’re straying from what is true, good, and beautiful, and accountability helps one mature in faith and as a man. “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another,” (Proverbs 27:17, ESV), and having good friends can help you cleave to God’s purposes for your life.

A good friendship can help us overcome difficulties. Who doesn’t need encouragement in their time of need? There will always be hard things in life and having good friends in your corner will help you overcome difficulty and face hardship in times of need.

Having a brother who picks you up with an encouraging word, and who reminds you of what is true, helps you to stand strong amid life’s storms.

Friends expand your view of yourself and the world. In The Four Loves, C. S. Lewis wrote of Christian friendship “The friendship is not a reward for our discriminating and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of others.” (Lewis)

Not only do good friendships help you cultivate your interests, but they help you discover more of yourself and the world around you. In a circle of friends, you bring out different qualities in each other. As you invite one another into your world, how you see things changes, expands, and is greatly enriched. A good friend helps you to see the world in greater detail and to discover things you never could have by yourself.

We are more blessed when we give than when we receive. Not only are you a recipient of the blessings of friendship, but you are also a conduit of those blessings toward others. Doing for others what they do for you is one of many ways you can fulfill the great commandment to “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:39, NIV).

Finding spaces to form meaningful relationships

Men occupy the roles of fathers, husbands, friends, and brothers. In these roles, a man can express different facets of himself and his masculinity. Our relationships are key to who we are, as, at our core, we are relational beings.

In his article, David French goes on to say that these relationships are both challenging and attainable, but he places a particular emphasis on friendship because not everyone can or should get married and have children. He then adds:

Telling men that true masculinity is found in heroism or adventure or physical strength, by contrast, can lead to a profound sense of loss or emptiness when real life turns out to be far more mundane, and it can trivialize and minimize the immense purpose and value of diligent work and steadfast love – David French

It is important to find healthy spaces in which to forge relationships with others. In French’s article, he talks about a group called F3 (Fitness, Fellowship, and Faith) that has been growing rapidly over the last few years since 2011.

In that group, men get together, push each other and themselves through workouts, and then spend time together in fellowship and prayer. The concept is simple, but it provides a space for men to form transformative relationships.

Men will often congregate around sport, but others, like C.S. Lewis, gather around their love of literature and a good pint at the local watering hole. The main point is to gather together with other men and bond through shared experiences and hardships so that you can mutually cultivate virtuous character and purpose. You can enrich one another’s lives and walk together through times of crisis.

Leveraging counseling to cultivate good friendships

Forming relationships with others comes easily for some, but that’s not the case for everyone. Sometimes, people must overcome crippling anxiety, shyness, or trauma, to form friendships and entrust themselves to others. These and other challenges don’t have to hold you back from seeking good friendships with other men.

You can use counseling to unpack and work through your questions and fears. In some settings such as group counseling, you can begin practicing the skills necessary to form friendships.

Whatever may be holding you back from forming meaningful relationships with other men, reach out to a trained and qualified counselor today. They will create a non-judgmental environment for you to gain confidence and start forming the skills to foster good friendships.