Grief is the sadness we feel after a loss. It is usually related to a specific event in your life. Grief is different from depression in that your feelings of self-worth remain unchanged by the loss, even though you are hurting.

Psychologists and counselors have observed how people tend to grieve over time and have created different models of the grieving process to help clients articulate and understand how their emotions and behavior might change as they grieve. Probably one of the most well-known models is the Kubler-Ross model by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, MD, in her 1969 book On Death and Dying.

Across the different models, there are several common stages, described below.

Common stages in the grieving process

Shock and denial: We feel numbness or disbelief, we suppress our emotions and go into survival mode to simply get through the day.

Anger and bargaining: After the initial shock and denial subside, we can be left feeling frustrated, abandoned, powerless, and guilty. We might try to bargain with the person or even God, looking for a way out of the pain. We keep thinking “If only…”

Depression: We feel intense sadness as we start to experience the enormity of the loss and how it affects various or all aspects of our life.

The upward turn: Our anger and pain start to feel less intense, and we feel calmer.

Reconstruction and working through: We start to pick up the pieces of our lives and reassemble them differently. We learn something from the experience. We start to see a way forward.

Acceptance and hope: We gradually come to accept how life is going to be lived without the person or thing that we love. We start to be able to remember some good things about the person or object of our loss, without everything being clouded by pain.

It is important to understand that each person processes grief differently. The stages in the process are not necessarily steps that linearly follow one another, and some people might not go through certain stages at all.

It is even possible to experience several stages of grief in a matter of minutes, repeated in cycles over time. There is no exact time frame for dealing with loss. Instead, grief tends to come in waves: feelings are very intense at first but usually diminish in intensity over time as we learn to live with our loss.

What does the Bible say about grief?

While the stages of grief model has some value in helping us understand our emotions after loss, it shouldn’t be the first or the last word on processing grief. It is merely a description of what you may feel; it is not a prescription for healing.

As Christians, we are fundamentally different in our understanding of the world and its brokenness. When we grieve, we need to grieve in the context of God’s truth even when (and especially when) we can see no light.

We need to remember that:

• We belong to the Lord who is good. (Psalm 145:9)
• God is in control of every detail of history and has a plan for His glory and our ultimate good. (Romans 8:28)
• God has promised us a renewed world in which there is no more death or crying or pain. (Revelation 21:4)
• Right now in the midst of our deep sadness, God promises to reach into our lives and draw near to us as we cry out to Him. We are not alone, we have not been abandoned, we are not being punished. (Isaiah 41:10)

Without God, this world and all its brokenness are senseless and hopeless. Without God, there is no redemption for loss and pain, in this life or the next. The difference for Christians is that we have a personal God who knows our grief even better than we do. Jesus himself has experienced grief, and a biblical response to grief is focused on the person of Jesus rather than moving through impersonal stages of grief.

When to talk to a Christian counselor

If your grieving process feels complicated or prolonged, remains intense or increases in intensity, is impairing your ability to function normally in your day-to-day life, or giving rise to feelings of worthlessness, it is important to seek professional help. Please contact our office today to schedule an appointment with a trained Christian grief counselor.