Grief embodies the pain of separation and is the emotional response often associated with death and loss. These represent a topic that many avoid, as death and the often-complicated grief that follows elicit feelings that we loath to confront. However, literal death is not the only type of loss that produces grief.

We can grieve the presence or absence of people, places, and even things. Sometimes, we mourn those still living, aching from lost connections that have eroded over time or morphed into something unwanted and unplanned. We may grieve seasons when we thrived, or in hindsight, did not understand or appreciate the value of what we had. We may also harbor a deep sense of loss from circumstances beyond our control that permanently shifted life’s course.

The pain is real, and an over-identification with prolonged and complicated grief might otherwise cement our mindsets in the unchangeable past. Extended and unresolved grief prevents us from advancing through the present. Even now, God has provided hope for the end He has promised and planned (Jeremiah 29:11).

This article will focus on healing from grief and loss. We will embrace the practical wisdom of God’s truth to loosen ourselves from the grip of grief. As we mobilize and emerge, healed and hopeful, we will encounter God’s comfort and joy, even as we walk into the future that awaits our next step.

Grieve the gap

To effectively move through, and eventually beyond traumatic incidents that triggered a grief response, we need to give ourselves adequate permission and space to mourn. Loss is a painful part of life’s cycle, whether we grieve a literal death or that of a dream or desire. Since everyone processes loss differently, grief expressions and timelines vary with the individual.

However, prolonged, and complicated grief is not a healthy place to abide when it disrupts your ability to live in your present and regard your future. Remaining heartsick over something or someone tilts us dangerously toward depression that bears implications for internal and external vulnerability.

While your experience of complicated grief, spurred by life’s deaths and disappointments, might be your present reality, it is redeemable. Thankfully, God has placed resources within reach, primarily with Him, as Wonderful Counselor, and those trained to do the same.

Discussing death, even that of foregone dreams or desires, can disturb old wounds and disrupt false beliefs about where you think you “should” be in your healing process. However, working with one of our therapists will help you to resolve lingering feelings of grief while mining hope for your future as you heal.

Getting started dealing with complicated grief

First, be honest about the loss, regardless of what initiated or caused it. Acknowledge what the lost relationship, opportunity, or item meant to you. You may not even be aware of the expectations you reserved for a certain time of life, whether you are experiencing an extended unmarried season, conflicted feelings about your experience of parenthood, or less than pleasant “golden years.”

Perhaps, you anticipated a connection with another person, such as an adopted child, a friend, or a reconciled spouse, and imagined that your relationships and life events would have been quite different than your experience.

Know the truth

Acknowledge the gap between those expectations and your experiences. Noting your expectations honors what you value. When you consider the hopes that you have attached to the person, experience, or the season you now grieve, you recognize the worth of those you have held dear. You also esteem the dreams and desires that God uniquely crafted as part of His core design for your life.

Tell the truth

Grieving losses does not dismiss or diminish what you wanted initially but rather serves as a launchpad. From here, prayer and meaningful exploration will realign your heart to release God’s long-term trajectory, despite your present reality.

Could it be that He wants to employ this current void and vacancy to repopulate your heart with greater hope, despite what you have encountered? Does He want to show you something beyond what you originally envisioned for life?

How will you know unless you engage with Him? Grieving your loss further grants you grace and perspective to see what you otherwise could not. He is an expert at planting our minuscule life seeds in the grander landscape of His Kingdom.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28

He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” – Revelation 21:5

Live the truth

The God who makes all things new, including what we grieve, seeks connection with you. Prayer is His gift for you to unburden your heart, gain solace, and gather perspective for your restoration journey. Investing in your friendship with God produces spiritual fruit and godly character, even through excruciating loss. He desires your fellowship, listening for your voice in prayer.

The truth of identity, applied

We don’t realize that we build an identity around the pain of trauma, especially when we have suffered loss for extended periods. Sustained, complicated grief shelters us in a false haven. We erroneously believe that an enduring state of loss is “better” than overcoming the inertia needed to heal and hope beyond grief.

You must choose to surrender the mock sense of control that comes by holding onto complicated grief. Will you “take up your bed and walk,” that is, embrace the uncertainty of moving forward? Or will you remain in the complicated grief that only Jesus can change?

He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the mud; And He set my feet on a rock, making my footsteps firm. – Psalms 40:2

If we want to live in the healing, hope, and wholeness that is ours in Christ, we must agree with God, in mind and momentum, to thaw the igloo of grief and loss, one life-giving action at a time.

The unchanging Word of God activates our faith. which invigorates us for upward momentum. Hope fuels the grieving human heart while exchanging the expanse of loss for the vast “more” God has provided.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. – Proverbs 13:12

You’ve got a friend

God is aware of us: feelings, frailties, and failures. Concerned and compassionate, He identifies with the depths of our emotions. He implores us to “come boldly” in all circumstances and conditions.

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. – Hebrews 4:16

Blessings and benefits

When we don’t share the raw and complicated nature of our grief burden, we work against ourselves, refusing our Father’s power to work on our behalf. Where He wants to bring meaning and clarity, we can sinfully refuse His power to:

• Comfort and heal us from grief and loss,
• Answer questions about the unexplainable, or
• Furnish the peace, hope, and joy that surpasses understanding.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:7

Walking the truth (next steps for complicated grief)

Gather your team and locate your support networks. The Holy Spirit will lead and guide you into all truth through the written word of God. Jesus wants to set you free from the tangles of loss and its companion depression. The Father guides and directs, having toward a hope-filled end.

Use the relationships among trusted family, friends, and others in your faith circles who can encourage you with prayer, uplifting words, the comfort of empathy, and the joy of relationship. Nurture these connections, allowing for the newness that accompanies your growth.

While the threefold cord of connection (that is, God, you, and community) cannot easily be broken, consider incorporating a therapist into your community cord. Reach out today for an appointment to acquaint your grief and loss with a new and different experience of comfort and joy.