Learning How to Forgive: What’s the Point?

Learning how to forgive can be difficult, especially if someone has hurt you deeply. Holding on to unforgiveness or resentment, however, can affect your physical, mental, and emotional health, and end up costing you; not them. It’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free and realizing you were the prisoner. – Max Lucado

 What forgiveness is and what forgiveness is not

Forgiveness is not about right or wrong. Forgiving someone does not mean you no longer feel hurt or angry. Nor does it mean forgetting what took place, excusing the offense, or choosing to continue your relationship with the person who hurt you. Rather, it is a conscious decision to let go of the anger and resentment you have been harboring toward him or her and to move forward instead of remaining stuck in the past. It is something you do for yourself, not for the other person.

What is the point of forgiveness?

Forgiveness is about extending mercy to those who have harmed you even if you don’t feel they deserve it, and although being forgiven may make them feel better, the person who does the forgiving is the primary beneficiary. The point of forgiveness is not the other person or the offense they committed, but rather it’s about you, and about changing your life so you can experience peace, freedom, and inner healing. When you choose to forgive, it releases you from the control the other person has been wielding over your life, and you no longer allow their behavior to cause you anger, resentment, or pain.

Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart. – Corrie Ten Boom

Learning how to forgive

• Acknowledge your feelings and make a list of who you need to forgive, and for what, and then next to each name, write down exactly what happened (just the facts) as objectively as you can.
• Ask yourself if you may have said or done anything that contributed to the situation that could change your perspective of it and try to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. Would you have reacted similarly if you had been in their shoes? Think about times you have hurt other people and they forgave you. The Bible says we are all sinners in need of forgiveness (Romans 3:23). We have all wronged God far more than anyone has ever wronged us, and yet He is always merciful and willing to forgive us (Daniel 9:9; 1 John 1:9).
• Remind yourself that Jesus died for the sins of the person who offended you, just as He died for yours, and that If you have experienced God’s forgiveness through putting your trust in Jesus (John 3:16), you are commanded to “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others (Colossians 3:13 NLT).”
• Ask God to help you. Ask Him to soften your heart toward the person who offended you and to give you the strength to forgive them. You may be powerless to do so on your own, but God will never ask you to do something without giving you His strength and power to do it (Psalm 29:11).
• Pray for the person you are having trouble forgiving. Ask God to touch them, bless them, and help you change the way you feel toward them. If you commit to doing this for at least five minutes every day for the next 30 days, your perspective will start to change. It’s hard to stay angry with someone you’re praying for consistently.
• Gratitude is one of the most powerful antidotes for resentment. Keeping a gratitude journal and writing down at least three things you are thankful for each day can become a joyful habit that keeps unforgiveness at bay.

Practicing how to forgive

Forgiveness is a process that takes time, patience, and determination, and just as you might use physical exercise to gradually build up your body’s muscles, so too you can slowly build up your ability to forgive by incorporating regular forgiveness workouts into your everyday life. The following are some examples.

• Make a conscious effort not to say anything derogatory about those who have hurt you. You don’t have to say anything good about them, but if you refrain from saying anything negative about them either, it will strengthen your forgiveness muscles.
• Make a practice of recognizing that every person is unique, special, and irreplaceable, planned by God before he or she was born (Psalm 139:13-14). Getting into the habit of doing this will make it harder to discount someone who has harmed you as unworthy.
• Look for occasions throughout your day when you can practice small acts of forgiveness. For instance, refraining from honking your horn when someone cuts you off in traffic, or overlooking small slights instead of lashing out.
• Picture yourself forgiving someone (in a hypothetical situation).
• Think of the life of the person who is at the root of your pain and try to imagine what wounds he or she may carry. What physical weaknesses and/or emotional pain might they be dealing with? Maybe they are a vulnerable person who was wounded, and who wounded you in return. Hurting people hurt people. Recognizing that we all carry wounds in our hearts may help you feel compassion for them and make it easier to forgive them.

Forgiveness therapy

Forgiveness therapy is a form of counseling that involves journaling, and that uses specific journal prompts to guide you through its four phases. The goal of forgiveness therapy is to help you let go of your resentment toward the person who did you wrong and treat them with compassion even when their actions are unacceptable or unjustified. It does not, however, mean forgetting or condoning the wrongdoing or reconciling the relationship.

1. The uncovering phase During this first phase of the process, you work on understanding the injustice and how it has impacted your life by making a list of people you feel have wronged you, describing what they did or said, and why it upset you.
2. The decision phase During this phase you gain a deeper understanding of what forgiveness is, what the pros and cons of forgiving the person you feel has wronged you would be, and that deciding to forgive means letting go of your resentments so that you can heal and move forward with your life.
3. The work phase In this phase, you try to understand the person who offended you in a new light and to see them as more than their wrongdoing. Although this does not mean condoning what they did or said, it could help you feel some empathy or compassion toward them and make it easier to forgive.
4. The deepening phase During this final phase, you work on further decreasing the negative emotions associated with the injustice, and on looking for ways in which you have grown as a result of this experience.

Christian counseling for unforgiveness

Christian counseling involves a combination of Biblical principles and clinical intervention. If you are struggling with unforgiveness and feel you need more help than what this article could provide, you don’t have to go through the process on your own. Please give one of the faith-based counselors in our directory a call today, and we would be happy to answer your questions and/or set up an appointment to discuss how we can help you manage the challenges you are facing and walk you through the healing process.