There are few emotions as insidious and destructive as resentment in marriage. This is because it often lies beneath the surface, silently poisoning the joyful union between man and wife that God has ordained. Often, when couples come for marriage counseling, they are surprised to realize that resentment is an issue – they are aware that there is a lack of love and respect, but they don’t have clarity as to what the underlying root cause is.

What is resentment?

Resentment is defined as “bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly” or “a feeling of anger due to a real or imagined injury or offense.” A spouse who develops resentment in marriage has been holding in and onto some unpleasant feelings for a long time.

The feelings have changed from being linked to specific events and have tainted the way the person views their husband or wife; these negative thoughts begin to seep into every area of the marriage and household and feelings of appreciation and joy are reduced.

The issues and hurts that cause resentment in marriage need not be a result of large transgressions such as infidelity (although they might be), they can also develop gradually over time through smaller things – a spouse who fails to give appropriate thanks where it is due, one who takes opportunities to demean and speak unkindly, or forgets birthdays and anniversaries, etc – the list goes on and is unique to every relationship.

What are the signs of resentment?

Resentment leads to the inability to let go or forgive, at least temporarily. Signs that you or your spouse are on the road toward resentment include

• recurring negative feelings (anger, hurt, frustration, hostility, uneasiness, and related emotions)
• an inability to put an event in the past
• feelings of regret or remorse, fear or avoidance (usually to protect oneself from hurt)
• a tense relationship (some people deal with resentment by holding grudges and acting out passive-aggressively)
• an inability to let go of anger (perhaps linked to a strong desire for revenge).

What does the Bible say about resentment?

God speaks often in the Bible about bitterness, which is closely linked to resentment. In Ephesians 4:31-32 (ESV), Paul tells the church established at Ephesus to “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

Hebrews 12:15 (ESV) says, “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.” Resentment is so destructive that it should not even be allowed to take root, but any indication of it needs to be completely crushed.

How can it be rooted out?

The good news is that, if you have been struggling with resentment in marriage, God’s Word promises that it is possible to remove this negativity and move forward toward a relationship where spouses are kind to each other, tender-hearted, and forgiving of each other. How is this possible, you might ask? When you are in a dark space in your marriage, it can be difficult to see any glimmer of hope.

While you might not see the hope, put your hope in God’s truth, and follow the counsel of those who offer wisdom on the subject. While your situation is individual, the problems are not new, and a trained Biblical counselor will have successfully walked the road toward healing from resentment in marriage with many couples. Their advice might go along the following lines.

Admit feelings of resentment

The first step toward any emotional change is to acknowledge your feelings about something. This can be individual, perhaps through journaling and prayer. Often, unhappy couples are only able to express themselves through irritability, passive aggressiveness, or anger, as they have not been taught how to identify their emotions and deal with them appropriately.

It takes courage to take the first step toward breaking down resentment in marriage, but, once you can clarify exactly what you feel and why, you will be able to take the next step toward healing.

Open the lines of communication

Once you have acknowledged your resentment, it’s about explaining how you feel to your spouse. Be sure to approach them in a calm, loving manner, being clear and direct about your emotions and needs. There is a good chance that your spouse will feel the same way, even though their behavior might manifest differently.

If you can get to the point where you are both “on the same page” as to the fact that there is resentment in the marriage, the next victory has been achieved. If a couple can agree to go to counseling to work toward improving the situation, the opportunity for real progress is made available. Remember that the devil hates Christian marriages, and will do his best to drive a wedge between the two of you. Be sure to commit this change to the Lord in prayer.

The cure for resentment

The cure for bitterness and resentment is forgiveness. Actively choosing to forgive your spouse for the hurt caused will release you from the feelings of resentment and allow you to move forward. This is easier said than done, but, in Christ, we are able. Just as Christ has freely forgiven us, so we need to forgive those who have sinned against us (Matthew 6:12).

By pursuing forgiveness we are living out the gospel of grace; and, through the Holy Spirit, is what will soften hearts and bring about a restored relationship. A trained Biblical counselor can walk you and your spouse through this journey, ensuring that anger and bitterness are replaced with a recovered sense of love and respect for one another.

Keep on forgiving

If your resentment in marriage has built up over many years, chances are there are deep-rooted negative and sinful attitudes lurking that may only fully come to the surface as you forgive. Forgiveness may also not be a once-off experience, you will need to commit to a long-term process of examining your heart and laying it before the Lord.

With the barrier of resentment removed, you may also experience a new perspective and see how your sin was perhaps driving your spouse’s behavior. As you change, they will likely respond accordingly, and your marriage will improve.

Focus on the good

When we get married, we expect our spouse to meet our every need and have the same attitudes and perspectives that we do, and these unrealistic expectations lead to disappointment. To combat resentment in marriage, we must take a step back and assess which of our expectations we can set aside, and how we can focus on our spouse’s positive qualities again. Just a few positive comments of appreciation can set in motion an upward spiral toward renewed mutual feelings of love and respect.

Resentment focuses entirely on what we’ve lost or what we could’ve had as ours. However, if we make the conscious choice of thanking God for what we do have – the power of resentment will be broken. Start with the simplest of things to be thankful for and build up to the greater things, we will have the power to move forward with hope.

Holding onto resentment will always stunt spiritual growth. The Lord desires that His people be free to live and move according to His will. Letting go of resentment will empower each believer to experience not only a more joyful marriage but greater things in the Lord.