A couple can find themselves and their marriage in distress for any number of reasons. When a marriage is in crisis, finding the right kind of help makes a world of difference, as does finding that help as soon as possible. A marriage in crisis can be brought back from the brink and strengthened to flourish and restore the connection between the spouses. It’s important to understand how a marriage reaches that low point to understand how to remedy it.
The Roots Of Troubles In Marriage
Every marriage is unique in the sense that the people in it are individuals who have their proclivities, weaknesses, strengths, particular interests and personalities, and so on. When two such individuals get together, they create a marriage that doesn’t quite look like any other marriage. Their marriage will have strengths and areas where it’s flourishing, but it will also have areas of weakness and friction that can undermine the relationship.
Where do these issues come from? It would be easy to make a blanket statement and say the reason there are issues in marriage is because of sin. This is true, and it helps to recognize we all have inclinations in our hearts that produce behaviors rooted in selfishness that are offensive to God and ultimately destructive (Genesis 8:21; Jeremiah 17:9; Romans 3:23). We need deeper solutions that will address the attitudes, mindset, and inclinations.
What might be even more helpful is to go beyond the broad descriptor of “sin” and to specify some of the behaviors that fall in this category. Sometimes, issues stem from simple misunderstandings, but how we respond to them can worsen the situation because of pride, bias, not wanting to “lose,” wanting to always be right, feeling put upon, fear of insignificance or failure or abandonment, or the refusal to forgive, to name a few.
In addition to their own sinful bent, people also learn patterns of behavior from their parents or caregivers, and some of these patterns can undermine conflict management, or complicate the expression of difficult emotions such as sadness, anger, or fear.
When you’re in a relationship with someone, it requires the use of certain skills such as listening and articulating one’s thoughts. Being aware of your emotions and knowing how to manage them also helps relationships.
The roots of issues in marriage include sinful attitudes, learned patterns of sinful behavior, and a lack of certain skills that promote the health of relationships. When a couple experiences challenges in their marriage due to life circumstances, or their interactions with each other, how they respond will make a huge difference.
Some Issues And Challenges In Marriage
Some of the things that are issues or challenges that a marriage faces and needs to work through include the following:
Poor communication A healthy relationship requires a couple to talk with each other. Poor communication can create many unhealthy situations, and it can worsen the life situations that a couple finds themselves in. Poor communication includes being unable to understand each other’s emotions, needs, and experiences, or expressing emotions and thoughts in ways that harm, such as blaming or shaming.
Disagreements about parenting If the marriage has children, one issue might be how to raise them. A couple may have widely divergent parenting philosophies stemming from their own upbringing, experiences, and expectations.
Financial strain Many couples face issues with finances, such as who is earning money, how it is being spent, and who is in charge of it.
Health challenges Mental, emotional, and physical health challenges and struggles such as infertility can put a strain on a marriage.
Loss and grief A couple can struggle to process their grief, individually and together. Grief produces complicated emotions like anger, sadness, or regret. How each spouse processes these things may be different. This can cause rifts in the relationship if there isn’t mutual understanding and support.
Roles and responsibilities In every marriage, there are responsibilities that have to be discharged. A couple can have disagreements about these.
Disconnection and infidelity A couple may be faced with a lack of emotional or physical connection for many reasons, including illness, body image issues, and so on. Infidelity can also be both a cause and the result of a couple feeling disconnected from each other.
Finding Help For Marital Distress
There is help available for a couple if they are experiencing distress. It’s important to identify the crisis in the marriage and to face it without pretending everything is okay. Talk to one another about what’s happening. Only when a couple can admit to themselves and each other that there is a problem will they be able to address it effectively. One of the most effective ways to deal with marital issues is to seek counseling.
A counselor can help a couple as they try to make sense of their situation. Counseling provides the couple a safe space to articulate what’s going on, and to develop the vocabulary to identify their thoughts and emotions accurately. The counseling space is a safe one in which to explore complicated and painful issues that affect the couple, and your counselor will guide you in the process.
Reach out and speak with a counselor about what’s going on in your marriage. They will help you understand the patterns of thought and behavior that might be creating or worsening distress in your relationship, and help with nurturing new, healthy habits that will help your relationship flourish.
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