6 Signs of a Fear of Commitment and How to Overcome It

Having a fear of commitment means that you feel scared to commit to a romantic relationship, or to move beyond casual dating. You may find it exceptionally difficult to be vulnerable. To be in a lasting, long-term relationship may well be your desire but it is hard to overcome the fear of commitment.

The origin of the fear typically comes from worrying about experiencing rejection because of either your significant doubts about your worth and what you can offer a romantic partner, or secondly, your past personal experiences give you a reason to be afraid of being in a relationship.

To better understand whether you or your partner experiences a fear of commitment read about some frequent indicators and how you can both be affected by not working through this relationship barrier. Not being able to move on can cause a breakdown in your relationship, even in a relationship you appreciate and enjoy.

Common Signs of a Fear of Commitment

As with most fears, the fear of commitment becomes increasingly blatant as time passes. The tell-tail warning signs to watch out for are the following:

Self-Defeating Behavior

Have you heard of self-sabotage? Committing sabotage is to destroy or undermine something in a behind-the-scenes way. It is the result of a deliberate act by the saboteur who causes damage. Now when this destructive behavior is directed at yourself it is called self-sabotage. Initially, a person may not notice it taking place, but when negative thoughts, actions, and feelings keep undermining something you are working towards, it becomes more obvious.

Experts say that those who experience this pattern, perhaps because of a series of lost relationships, sometimes develop a sense of safety associated with being alone, or when they are not emotionally invested.

The typical turn of events is when someone with a fear of commitment begins to realize that their partner’s feelings for them are growing stronger, and they react by starting to pour cold water on the relationship in a way that makes it end, even though it was going very well up to that point.

Planning Is Harder Than It Should Be

When your partner mentions a date far in the future, perhaps the wedding of a friend several months away, or the opportunity to start saving for an end-of-year holiday getaway, you find that you are unable to get excited about it. You may have difficulty agreeing to it without having a backup plan to not go.

You Are Uncomfortable with Your Emotions

There certainly are situations where each of us becomes uncomfortable with our emotions. A warning flag should wave when you do not feel comfortable enough to have emotional conversations or display your own emotions with your partner as these are common signs of having a fear of commitment.

If the information above is something that you can identify with, then there may be some helpful questions to interrogate this line of thought a bit further:

You Question the Relationship

Despite the joy of the relationship that you experience at the moment, do you find that you spend a lot of time questioning it? Some examples of these thoughts could be, “Do they really mean it when they say they love me?”, “What happens next?”, “Am I ready for more than this?”, “Do I want this relationship to be long-term?”

These types of questions are normal if you care deeply about someone. However, if these questions interfere with the relationship and cause you emotional stress then there may be a fear of commitment present.

Making Plans Scares You

Are you hesitant to plan for future events? These do not have to be bucket list items to be achieved in a year but this fear may be revealed even by avoiding making plans for Friday night. Are your replies vague, like, “Would love to, but will let you know later”?

There may also be a struggle to find peace about the plans that you have already made. Are they consuming your thoughts and raising your anxiety so much that you want to cancel them?

Often when you are just not into someone and they invite you out, it makes sense that you are hesitant. But if you find that you enjoy every moment with the person but still feel anxious about making plans to see one another, this can be a warning sign.

Despite It All, You Cannot Feel Emotionally Attached

Couples who are secure in their attachment to one another and want to make the relationship last are more likely to put in the hard work required for a successful relationship.

Some studies show that often people are willing to commit to someone to ensure their romantic attachment. Commitment can also be amplified as a response to the fear of losing the person. But if you do not feel an emotional attachment then you may not care if they are in your life. While you may enjoy your time together you do not have any problem imagining yourself single.

How it Can Damage Relationships

If one person continues to withhold their emotions from committing to the relationship, while the other keeps trying to make the relationship work, then there is often a long, painful dissolution of the relationship.

Typically, what happens is that the person who is sincerely investing their all into the relationship becomes increasingly hurt, frustrated, angry, and embarrassed until eventually they are too worn out to care and give up on the relationship.

Fear of commitment leads one partner to feel anxiety, dread, and stress in these situations, but their primary emotion remains their commitment issues. Sometimes the person is frustrated with themselves for their inability to take the relationship to the next level.

They also experience the guilt that comes from witnessing the hurt they are causing their partner. There is also the possibility that this person becomes frustrated at the other person for trying to progress the relationship instead of keeping things as they are.

Behavior that actively sabotages the relationship between the one experiencing fear of commitment and their partner is also sometimes played out. Here the partner who fears commitment creates destructive and hurtful situations to bring about the breakup. These may be infidelity, gaslighting, emotional abuse, and creating unnecessary conflict.

How to Overcome a Fear of Commitment

If you feel like there is some fear holding you back from committing to your relationship, there are several options open to you:

Individual therapy is a good place to start and will help you examine possible reasons why you may be experiencing a fear of commitment. If your partner is afraid of commitment, then a therapist would be able to provide you support in individual therapy as well.

Couples therapy is also seen as a very viable method to make real progress in overcoming the fear of commitment. While commitment and intimacy are linked, they are not the same thing. If you struggle with commitment, you may also struggle with intimacy, and vice versa. A good therapist will be able to navigate complex individual challenges faced by each partner and help you both to work through them to strengthen your relationship.

Discuss the fear with your partner. Often naming the fear helps you come to terms with it and places you in a better space to respond to it in a healthy manner. It will be important to tell your partner of your feelings for them and relationship, as well as give them as clear an explanation as possible of the nature of your fear.

Christian Counseling for Relationship Issues

If you’re looking for additional help to better understand the effects of fear of commitment beyond this article then why not browse our online counselor directory or contact our office to schedule an appointment? We would be honored to walk with you on this journey.