We all want to be seen, known, and loved. Of course, opening ourselves up to be known entails risk; the risk of being vulnerable with someone and then having that trust betrayed or taken for granted.
Even though it’s risky and potentially quite painful, we put ourselves out there in the hope that we’ll make just the right connection with someone. It’s how we can thrive in relationships with others.
The desire for connection can be distorted or taken advantage of in several ways. We can associate ourselves with people that ultimately aren’t good for us in the hopes that they will love us. We can wrongly interpret their behavior as loving when it is in truth quite harmful.
It’s important to recognize what these harmful behaviors are to prevent ourselves from being hurt, so we must learn key signs of a toxic friendship to protect ourselves.
Defining Toxic Behavior
Have you ever had someone you call a friend, but in your more honest moments you wonder why you are friends? The people we call friends have a profound impact on us. In our lowest moments, they are there to comfort us and give us wisdom, guidance, and direction. They can influence us in the decisions we make, encouraging or dissuading us from particular courses of action, and much else. However, not everyone we would call a friend is necessarily deserving of that title.
Toxic behavior can take many forms. At its core, it’s behavior that’s unhealthy and that undermines well-being instead of promoting it. Toxic behavior cuts both ways, with the person doling it out as well as the person receiving it.
In each relationship, there will be trace elements of toxic behavior, since we are all sinful human beings. But these dynamics are far from defining the daily workings of a healthy relationship.
To be a person is to be a dignified being made in God’s image, a being worthy of love, respect, and consideration. God created us with enormous potential, and with the core directive of loving God and loving others as we love ourselves. This, Jesus said, is what the Law and the Prophets are all about (Matthew 22:34-40).
God must reshape our understanding of love. When we love as God would have us do, we flourish. Toxic behavior refers to actions and patterns of behavior in a relationship that would undermine these things and ultimately stifle flourishing.
4 Key Signs of a Toxic Friendship
What are the signs of a toxic friendship? While being on the lookout for toxic behavior in our friends, we should also look at ourselves and ask if we exhibit any signs of toxic behavior in our friendships. After all, we aren’t exempt from acting in unhealthy ways toward others. Some of the signs of a toxic friendship include the following:
- Self-focus. One or both of the people in the relationship are thoroughly self-focused. Friendship is about sharing: oneself, interests, burdens, and so on. However, it’s meant to be a mutual sharing and self-disclosure. If the relationship revolves around one person and his or her needs or interests, that is not a healthy friendship.
Ask yourself, whose needs does this relationship meet? Do I feel heard in this relationship? If the answer to one or both directs you to conclude that you aren’t heard and your needs are dismissed, that sounds like a toxic friendship.
- The relationship doesn’t energize you. When you have a good time with your friends, you leave feeling energized and excited to spend more time with them again. If spending time with your friend feels draining, or you come away from time together feeling exhausted either mentally, emotionally, or physically, that’s a strong sign something is amiss in that relationship.
Of course, if your friend is dealing with something heavy like the loss of a loved one, it’s to be expected that supporting them will take it out of you. However, if that’s the typical posture and feeling in the relationship, or if you’re constantly having to attend to your friend’s crises, then it’s likely that friendship is toxic.
- You bring out the worst in each other. Friendships often coalesce around similar interests, and they develop as you continue to bond and build trust over time. Good friends will encourage and cultivate your virtues while holding you accountable concerning your vices. A biblical proverb says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17, NIV). Friends that stir up your ability to savor the goodness of God, and who encourage you to be the best version of yourself are good friends.
On the other hand, friends who bring out the worst in you have a lot of serious work to do. If your relationship is a hotbed where constant conflict, jealousy, and other negative emotions such as anger abound, it very well could be a toxic friendship.
- Your dignity is insulted or impaired in the relationship. Good friends will often joke around and poke fun at each other. We can’t take ourselves too seriously, and our friends can keep us grounded with some humor. That humor isn’t a barb that injures us, nor is it deployed carelessly and with the intent to undermine.
If your friend mocks you, makes jokes at your expense, or demeans you, that might be a sign of a toxic friendship. Not only that, but if your friend degrades your dignity by manipulating you, gaslighting you, violating your boundaries, or controlling you, you’re dealing with a toxic friendship.
How to Deal with a Toxic Friendship
Toxic friendship can sneak up on you when a good friendship devolves into unhealthy patterns. It’s also possible for a friendship to be toxic from the start because the two people in it have unhealthy relationship habits.
There are a few things you can do to repair and reform a toxic relationship. The key to this is you both acknowledge that there’s something wrong, and you’re both willing to put in the hard work to turn things around.
You can deal with a toxic friendship in this way:
- Call a spade a spade. You can only begin to deal with a toxic friendship once you’ve named it as such. As long as you treat your situation as normal, you won’t change anything or even want to change it.
The strange thing about toxic relationships is that they cause harm to the people in them, but the power of habit and simply being comfortable in your current situation prevents taking active steps to remedy the situation.
Naming a toxic friendship is a major step toward your goal. Look at the way you relate to each other, pay attention to what others say about your friendship, and consider if your relationship isn’t toxic.
- Talk with your friend. If you recognize that you’re in a toxic friendship, you should talk with your friend about it. It takes two to maintain a toxic friendship, and you both need to own up to your role in distorting what friendship is supposed to be.
For instance, in codependent situations, both the enabler and the taker contribute to the codependent dynamic in the relationship, and both must own up to it. If your friend doesn’t see a problem and doesn’t want to make strides to repair things, be willing to walk away.
You can’t fix a toxic friendship on your own, and taking a step back from the relationship may be the best thing you do for your friend and yourself.
- Create healthy boundaries. Every healthy relationship needs boundaries. A boundary indicates where I end, and you begin. A boundary lets people know that you are two individuals with your own unique needs, likes, tolerances, and capacities.
When your boundaries are respected, that allows for your needs to be met, and it creates room for you to love others. If I know what your needs are, loving you means attempting to meet those needs where appropriate and in line with who we both are.
Boundaries can be created around money, such as limits on how much you can lend. Boundaries can also exist around your time and availability, and also around things you’re willing to disclose about yourself.
- Unearth the roots. Toxic behaviors come from somewhere, and you must understand their roots. Some people tolerate unhealthy behaviors because they have insecure attachments.
Fear of being abandoned leads them to accept behavior they shouldn’t brook because they don’t want to be alone. Low self-esteem can make a person accept a poor lot in life because they don’t feel like they deserve or can do better.
Aggression, manipulation, and controlling behaviors may stem from fear of loss or other distortions of healthy ways of relating to others. It’s important to understand why you perform and tolerate toxic behaviors.
- Get help. Help can come in the form of a trusted friend who can function as an accountability partner or sounding board. Professional help can also be sought from a counselor who can help you discern unhealthy friendship patterns in your life.
These patterns and habits can be turned around with deep reflection and training to think and behave differently. Your counselor can help you make sense of your friendships and help you develop ways of cultivating healthier relationships.
If your friendship is toxic, seek the help of a counselor so you can begin to flourish and glorify God in your relationships.
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