Relationships can be spaces where we find our deepest joys, but they can also be where we receive our deepest wounds. Some relationships are oases and places of support, love, and joy, while others are difficult, painful, and complicated. Being able to handle relationships well – including the hard bits – is an essential skill. This is the case in all relationships, including a person’s dating and romantic life, which is why relationship advice for men is so important.

The world offers no shortage of gurus and relationship advice for men. Many TikTok creators, YouTube channels, and online personalities have garnered a following based on their understanding of wisdom about dating in the 21 st century.

Much of the “wisdom” being offered is based on a kill-or-be-killed approach to dating, where dating is presented as a competition or an exercise in getting what you want without being exploited. Many men have developed a deep cynicism toward women, and many women share this perspective.

Given the situation of the dating scene, what kind of advice would count as “real-world relationship advice?” It won’t do to be naïve about how relationships function in our time.

However, it’s equally important to consider what type of person you’ll be as you enter into relationships with others. It’s possible to be wise without being cynical, and to not add to the rampant toxicity that marks many relationships between men and women.

Relationships matter.

Regardless of whether you are a man or woman, relationships matter, particularly because people are made in the image of a relational God (Genesis 1: 26-27; 1 John 4: 16). These may be romantic relationships, parent-child relationships, siblings, friends, colleagues, or neighbors.

We don’t exist in isolation, and we thrive when we’re in healthy relationships with others. When you go through hard times, having a support network makes a world of difference compared to going it alone.

Relationships matter, and how you do them matters. We and others around us have ways of thinking and behaving that can either undermine or promote the health of our relationships.

Depending on how we handle these relationships and the difficulties that inevitably come, we can either steer the relationship toward greater compassion and empathy or mire it in conflict and dysfunction. It’s good to know how to handle relationships well.

Relationship advice for men: When you’re seeking or are in a relationship

Romantic relationships are a different kind of animal from other relationships. To be sure, they’re not that different – you still have to understand what good communication is, no matter what kind of relationship you are in, and the skills you use in other relationships will also apply in romantic relationships.

What is different about romantic relationships is the presence of eros , which complements the other kinds of love present in other relationships. Eros is physical love or sexual desire, and it is a vital component of a healthy romantic relationship.

Problems arise, however, when eros becomes the foundation of the relationship, begins to cloud one’s judgment about vetting partners for a long-term commitment, or is expressed outside of the marriage covenant. In our culture, sex is often front and center in the consideration of romantic partners, which is a sinful breaking of God’s law, and minimizes the other important qualities that allow a relationship to flourish.

Some relationship advice for men that might be helpful for you in pursuing or conducting a romantic relationship includes the following:

Cherish, but don’t make idols out of relationships. You can’t measure your value or worth by whether you’re in a romantic relationship. Relationships have value, but giving them ultimate value can distort them and lay unmanageable expectations on others. Value your relationships, but don’t accord them the importance and centrality that only God should possess in your life.

Do the work. Relationships require a lot of work. That work can come before the relationship, or within it. Learning how another person thinks, dealing with their quirks and them dealing with yours, bearing with each other’s weaknesses, and forgiving each other’s mistakes – all this is important labor that takes time, empathy, good communication, and love.

Saying that relationships require work doesn’t mean that they aren’t a joy. It’s saying that it may be naïve to expect a smooth ride without any complications. Even the healthiest couples have their share of issues they need to work through.

Work on yourself.

As an individual, you likely have issues. Whatever those issues are, you are ultimately responsible for dealing with them. In a healthy partnership, your significant other comes alongside you and supports you, but you’re the one who is responsible for the work. Don’t expect a relationship or a partner to fix you. That way lies codependency and an unequal relationship.

Be a man of integrity. Truthfulness is not a popular virtue. In dating, faking it till you make it seems like the name of the game, including pretending you like things so as not to offend others, living beyond your means, or adopting affectations that portray you in a positive light but that aren’t truly you. If the date doesn’t go well, or the relationship isn’t working, be honest about that, and don’t just ghost someone.

Take a hit and move on without bitterness. Romantic relationships don’t always work out. Our social media-driven age often has people vent their experiences online in a bid to garner support from a faceless internet mob. That’s one way to process your experience, but other, healthier ways of doing it don’t involve possible slander, but do require you to work on your own healing. Try therapy, for example.

Exercise wisdom in where you seek partners. Potential life partners can be found just about anywhere. However, some platforms won’t always yield the result you’re looking for. Some dating sites and apps are an expression of hookup culture, and not suitable for Christians under any circumstances.

Where you look for partners matters, and who you are in that search also matters. You are unlikely to find a partner who’s an avid reader if you’re never around books.

Be discerning of red flags (your own, and theirs). It’s important to be self-aware. That can help you to work on the things in your life that hinder relationships. If you’re prone to anger, or you struggle to trust people, or you still have hang-ups about your previous relationship, you may struggle to form relationships. Take the time and space to work on these things.

Just as you should be aware of your own red flags, you should be discerning about theirs. Don’t ignore the things that people say and do that make you wonder about their suitability as a partner.

Those qualities will only likely get amplified over time, and if they concern you now, they could be downright problematic later. People can change but don’t rely on that. Ask yourself if you’d be happy with this person as they are now, not if they got better and addressed their issues.

It’s important to know the limits of what you can put up with, and for those limits to be healthy. For instance, you might be willing to put up with verbal abuse or unfaithfulness from your girlfriend, but that isn’t healthy. See these red flags for what they are and respect yourself enough to be willing to walk away.

Be willing to learn. Life is about growth, and growth happens in relationships too. A healthy relationship requires curiosity and the willingness to learn and grow. That includes being willing to learn more about your partner, learning to handle conflict maturely and constructively, or learning how to better support your partner. You’ll never truly arrive at a place where you don’t need to learn anymore in a relationship.

Be willing to apologize. Pride or self-interest should not get in the way of owning your mistakes. Nor should it stand in the way of extending forgiveness to one another. You’re both going to mess up, and you both have things about you that the other has to put up with.

“ Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4: 32, NIV). No relationship can function without the willingness to apologize and forgive on both sides.

Seek counsel. Relationships can be sheer simplicity itself, but the dynamics at play within them can also be the most complicated thing you’ll ever navigate. Having trusted and wise voices with whom you can consult is a good idea, as accountability and wisdom are vital for having good relationships. These voices can include a mental health professional such as a counselor who can help you navigate those complex relationship dynamics.

Whether through individual counseling or couples counseling, you can receive additional relationship advice for men and guidance to handle your relationships and any concerns in them constructively. Your counselor can also help you learn how to communicate more effectively, how to set healthy boundaries, and how to work on any other concerns you may have that affect your relationships.